What You Wanted

i can only imagine the thoughts coursing through
the rivers that made up the inside of your brain
on that night that brought this never ending end

i wonder at what moment you decided "this is it"
the moment you became an artist with the amount of red
that found its place in a place it shouldn't

the moment my thoughts became unfamiliar
i'm not sure if they'll ever be my own again

it's almost like these words lack meaning
it's almost like the end of who i am
or was, that's how unsure i am anymore

i should have seen the signs
like when you told me to forget
our suicidal pact that night
and that same night
when you told me you weren't okay
but you couldn't find the words

you said everything except what you wanted